1) French Fries are not “the weapons of mass wussies”
2) Not to tell the illegal immigrants they are called “Freedom Fries”
3) Telling the 17 year old order taker on announcing her second pregnancy that “it’s a Vagina, not a friggen clown car!” is NOT a helpful public service announcement.
4) A broken 2X4 is NOT an “employee motivational stick”
5) A scrap pipe is NOT a “customer appreciation stick”
6) You are not to tell the other back booth person that while you are on vacation, to tell the creepy stalker lady you committed suicide.
7) You are not to teach the non bilingual workers the wrong words in English, I.E, a manager is not “nitwit” your name is not “her royal awesomeness” nor is “Trogdora” your name in Spanish
8) Making your name say “Jesussita” and running around saying “I am sexy Jesus!” is not protected by law as a declaration of faith, ESPECIALLY when you are wearing a pentacle around your neck.
9) Must not scare immigrants when they see snow for the first time by telling them its nuclear fallout/anthrax/a sperm bank that just got bombed.
10) Happy meals do NOT come with condoms
11) Condoms are not an OSHA approved form of headgear
12) Yelling over the headset “I just can’t do this anymore” and then jumping out the back booth window is not a real suicide attempt and therefore not a reason to be let out of work early
13) Must not use raccoons by trash dumpster as target practice with a paintball gun
14) Must not bring paintball gun into work
15) Must not park near back booth, jump out the window when no one is looking, and take paintball gun out of trunk
16) No longer allowed to seek forgiveness instead of asking permission
17) When there is an illegal immigrant rally/strike downtown, you may not hug the immigrants who come in to work anyways and refer to them as the “good mexicanos”. Even if they think it’s funny too.
18) Must not superglue happy meal toys into profane positions
19) Must not superglue “star wars episode 3 countdown posters” to the wall of back booth
20) A chainmaille coif is not part of your uniform. Even if you made it from wire coat hangers from the crew room while you were in back booth. Even if you tape the McD logo on it.
21) Not allowed to start petitions with the customers on your behalf
22) Not allowed to bring handcuffs to work and tell customers they chain you in the basement every night
23) Not allowed to capture flies and put them on leashes made of hair
24) Unless it’s on the head manager’s pencil and you agree to take the fall for it
25) When someone makes a noose at night and hanging a teddy bear from it, when your manager asks why someone would do that, taping a sign to its hand that says “Ronald touched my no no place, I just cannot live like this anymore” is not the answer they were looking for. In fact, they were not looking for an answer at all.
26) You are not a level 20 mage who knows Hadoken
27) You are not to play with lighter fluid and a lighter to try and prove you know Hadoken
28) We do not serve McShots on New Years Eve.
29) The appropriate way to answer the phone is “McDonalds Hales Corners, this is ____” NOT “McHell corporate headquarters, this is drone TK-421”
30) Though you may dress up for Halloween, answering every call in back booth like Darth Vader is not appropriate.
31) Putting fangs in your mouth and flashing them at little kids to make them cry is not nice. Not even if the parent found it funny
32) Not to bribe police with free meals if they pull you over for speeding.
33) Grape tomatoes are not “veggies of mass destruction”
34) Not allowed to fill degreaser bottles with water and purple food coloring and threaten to drink it to get your way.
35) Just because you know how to hack into the scheduling program and make your hours disappear does NOT mean you have the day off
36) “anal glaucoma” is NOT a contagious disease you need to take the day off for
37) Just because it is in the bible does NOT mean you can say it
38) Just because it is in the dictionary does NOT mean you can say it
39) If it has ever been said in Calvin and Hobbes, Star Wars, or LOTR, you cannot say it.
40) Swearing at your manager in Elvin is still swearing
41) The delivery ramp is not a ‘super happy fun slide’
42) If you have to ask, its not allowed
43) Answering the drive through at 2 am during the bar rush is it not funny to answer with “welcome to taco bell, can I take your order?”
44) Calling the cops on the license for a drunk driver then pocketing the change he left behind is not a ‘good Samaritan bonus’ unless you split it with everyone.
45) Pretending to electrocute yourself while replacing a fuse is not funny, unless someone gets a picture of the manager wetting herself.
46) Not to convince the immigrants that you are secret government spy and that the head manager is a communist Nazi princess.
47) Not to hold D&D sessions between taking orders
48) Not to ask customers for good names for your next character
49) Not to hide a gameboy in your pocket then ask customer to wait until you get to a save point
50) Not to sit on your knees in back booth and convince customers you are a hobbit who is hiding from Sauron.
51) Not to tell the scary obsessed Christian girl in front booth that you are a minion of Satan and tell her dead baby jokes as soon as the manager takes off her headset.
52) When a customer asks if you still have “such and such” special, saying “heh, you wish” is not professional.
53) When given a script to read from for back booth, saying it like a robot is not appropriate.
54) Swearing in Klingon is still swearing also
55) When asked to brainstorm a neat advertisement to bring in more business, asking to borrow some spare uniforms to make a porn is a not brainstorm.
56) ESPECIALLY if you want to film it in store
57) Playing hockey with burnt bagels is not a favorite American pastime, nor is it an Olympic event, even if you bring in medals
58) Do not show up to the company picnic, because the managers will attack you with whatever they see fit to make up for all the crap you did to them all year they couldn’t retaliate with. Jello fluff does not come out of hair easily
59) Do not fall for the “you’re going to get employee of the year award” as an enticement to show up.
60) “Ninja pirates” is not a weekly cartoon that needs to be written on the schedule board every week.
61) Wearing a ninja costume to work does not mean you are entitled to whatever you can ‘gank’ without getting seen.
62) Taping a smiley face to the lens of the security camera and then taking a nap does not mean you were not caught
63) Being part of the safety team does not mean you can break things and then redeem yourself by declaring them unsafe
64) While re-grouting the stairs, you are not to scream “help! The sand people have me!” then run upstairs covered in grout
65) If the shake machine spits mix all over you, and you are covered from head to toe in drippy white goop, you are to not utter a single world. Or sound. Or facial expression.
66) And you must not wink at all the teenage boys working in the grill while walking back to the crew room to clean up.
67) The ice cream machine is not a “bukkake machine of doom”
68) Not allowed to drink shots of shake syrup
69) Not allowed to drink coffee
70) Not allowed to have “gamer shots” during work
71) Not allowed to bring BAWLS into work and try and convince people you are drunk
72) Not allowed to have any caffeinated substances while on the clock, except on thanksgiving when I work the 12 hours all day shift.
73) Not allowed to try and convince the new people I’m diabetic so they give me sugar packets.
74) Just because you managed to crash the entire order taking system does not make you a l33t haxx0r. Meaning, take that stupid name tag off!
75) Just because you find out another coworker is a LUEser does not mean you guys have to leave stupid little coded notes to each other.
76) All our base does NOT belong to Kett.
77) The proper way to suggest a sell up, is “may I interest you in making that 2 pies for $1”, not “Let me make you an offer you cannot refuse”
78) Just because the manager labeled you the Jewish Geek Mafia while drunk after the company picnic does not mean it is your job title. Nor should you be putting that on applications to other fast food stores.
79) Do not try and force choke the new people, it scares them and its not nice.
80) You may not make a tar baby out of the leftover tar from patching the parking lot
81) You make not make voodoo dolls out of food from the waste bucket
82) Big Mac box shipping boxes cannot be made into a Transmogrifier, even if you make a dial for it.
83) The same box is not a time machine when turned upside down
84) Hiding in boxes stacked by the trash then popping out at the skitzo kid is not allowed, unless you feel like cleaning up bodily fluids
85) When a coworker is sick, it is not psychosomatic and it does NOT require a lobotomy, and no, you are not allowed to go borrow the handsaw for something ‘completely unrelated’.
86) Not allowed to make your own union
87) Not allowed to sneak on the roof of the store, plant a flag and name the store as property of Soviet Russia
88) Nor are you allowed to then come inside and ask if “at soviet McHell, do the hamburgers eat you?”
89) Not allowed to hide 3 dozen snowballs in a fry box in the freezer to save for the summer picnic
90) Stuffing your bra with water balloons then popping one and saying your implant broke is not an excuse to go home early.
91) Nor is putting two water balloons in your pants and claiming you have elephantitus an excuse either
92) You can only call into work dead once per calendar year
93) A bag of vomit is not an adequate substitute for a doctor’s note
94) McD does not have a military discount program, even if he’s REALLY hot.
95) Asking your manager if you can “take 15” in the back of his car is really the one time you SHOULD have lied about what you were going to do on break.
96) Likewise, when you come into work the next day, with him dropping you off and a hickey on your neck, should you honestly try to convince anyone that you were performing scientific experiments about vacuums that went horribly awry.
97) Seriously, what is with penguins?
98) Putting 153 notes in various handwritings with “make Kett a manager” in the suggestion box when there are only 76 workers in store does not work.
99) Promotions are not political campaigns, and therefore do not require speeches, propaganda posters, rally buttons, or donations.
100) Not allowed to make “confetti cake” made with paas easter egg tablets
101) Not allowed to work on April 1st. EVER.